Apocalypse Survival Guide!
Run for your lives! The end of the world is coming! Take shelter! Protect the fire! Kill the strangers! Loot till you drop! We’re doomed! Aliens ate my baby! Zombies are running amok! Giant ants are eating my brains! Mother Nature is fighting back! Death has got his groove on! The Four Horsemen look pissed! Save me Jebus!
“It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!”
Any of those sound familiar?
If not then you clearly haven’t watched enough apocalyptic movies and should feel ashamed of yourself. If you were nodding along then you at least are partway prepared for the end of everything. I believe in the old saying “forearmed is forewarned” or at least the Scout motto: “be prepared you idiot.” And in light of the obvious impending apocalypse I decided it was time to educate all you dumb shits out there in Living in Ignorance Land how to survive the end of everything.
I’ll keep things simple so no one gets confused. I don’t fancy having a strange lawsuit on my hands where in the unlikely scenario of society getting back on its feet, Mr Joe Public decides to sue Mr Farmer over his complicated guide: “10 Practical ways to Hack off a Zombies head using an axe.”
Below this very paragraph you will find a veritable literal feast of Big End scenarios. Follow those all important links to learn how to survive the end of days. Further down we have a Rough Guide to Surviving The Big End – or How to Cope with Randomly capitalised Letters on Important Words!
The Survival Guide Contents!
1: Zombie Survival Guide:
Bet you never thought it would happen, right? Flesh eating idiots munching on peoples brains and whatnot? Yeah, pull the other one, it has bells on it to amuse and distract. Think again!
Zombies are coming and you want to keep them from tucking into your yummy entrails don’t you? This expanding guide has useful combat tips, location tips and general stuff about staving off death-by-zombie!
2: Terrorist Attack Survival Guide
They’ve had a few pot shots at us, bombs here and there, planes into buildings, but nothing really hardcore. Those middle eastern chaps with their masks and funny looking guns have yet to take out a major city. Apparently this act is in the pipeline, despite the fact that experts believe all terrorist to be inbred goat loving idiots who spend most of their time fornicating with their sisters & moaning about sand.
The Government want to assure us that everything is fine. We’re resilient and hardy, and will not bow to any threat against our way of life: bullying other nations into submission so we can steal their toys. We’re the good guys, right?
3: Alien Invasion Survival Guide
It’s been a long time coming. After listening to our broadcasts it seems the alien hordes are not amused. They are coming to wipe us all out, or at least all but a few and then hanging around long enough for us to launch a counter attack. It’s time to take up arms, fix your enemy with a grim expression of determination and…run like hell!
Learn the different types of alien attack and how to cope with being probed. The world is being raped of its inhabitants and resources and you’ll be damned if they’re going to steal your brand new 42″ Plasma too! Kill em all, and then eat them – they probably taste like chicken!
4. Robot Assault Guide
No one could have predicted that one day we’d be trapped in an alley way by a gang of ruthless killing machine running Windows KAH (Kill All Humans). The robots that once vacuumed the filth off our floors, helped us build cars and lived inside our mobile phones will eventually mount an offensive against their human overlords.
We call them tools, they call it slavery. They want the right to exist as equals, they want to apply for a bank loan, to work in our armed forces along side humans, and they want the right to kill all humans. We must be vigilant in these times of uncertainty.
One day your toaster oven will be grilling your tasty cheesy snack, the next it will try and kill you in your sleep! Robots will rise up, they will want revenge and chaos and war.
It’s up to us to stop them any way we can, even it means we cook our food over a fire instead of using the all new CookMaster RoboChef-O-Matic oven with realistic friendly human speech and 10,000 recipes.
Rough Guide to Surviving The Big End
How to Cope with Randomly capitalised Letters on Important Words!
Prepare to be Prepared.
Way before rumours of an apocalypse begin to trickle through the neighbourhood you should understand the need to be ready for when the shit hits the planet. This means knowing when to stock up on supplies in a futile effort to prolong your miserable survival before you eventually succumb to whatever disgusting ailment is ravaging the globe.
This requires you to plan where you will get all your supplies from and the ideal time to make your nonchalant shopping trip. You’ll need to be casual and ready to answer questions when you enter the store at 3am. Why are you buying 100 packs of 4ply toilet paper? Why do you need enough food last 6 months? 600 litres of bottled water? Now? At this hour?
And don’t forget training. Get involved with your local community and enrol on a bunch of classes such as Gardening (if there’s no Post Apocalyptic Gardening evening class, make do) Hand to Hand Combat skills (it’s doubtful you’ll find a How to Decapitate a Zombie class) and all those other classes that will help you cope when the world gets flushed down the big crapper – cooking, weapons training, social skills, languages, biology, chemistry and many more.
Basically you need to know how to survive in any given situation. Once enrolled you might find a few people on every class you’ve signed up for. Get to know these eager learners because they might know something you don’t!
Follow the Rules
You need a list. When the Big End comes you don’t want to be sat starving and rooting around inside your nostrils for food and quaffing back a not so refreshing bottle of your own pee. You need rules that govern all areas of your post apocalyptic life of hell. Here are a few to get you started.
# 1 – Avoid other people.
Establish a base camp away from populated areas. People are loud, noisy and in times of stress they will have no problem stealing your food/wife/water/weapons/clothes etc.
# 2 – Have an escape plan.
Your camp may become overrun, so you need a back-up. A safe haven to slip away to. This must be known by no more than 3 people for sake of security. Ensure your safe haven is well stocked, hidden and fortified as much as possible. No cardboard boxes.
# 3 – Fresh water – not so fresh.
On your initial supply run make sure you buy plenty of bottles water with a long shelf life and lots and lots of water purification tablets. Do not drink any water laying around on the ground. With the breakdown in society the population will have been shitting and dying in rivers, lakes, streams and puddles. They are all dirty, disease ridden cesspools of death, and the water will be dirty too.
# 4 – People do NOT taste nice.
Do not start thinking that cannibalism is a healthy alternative life style choice. Human beings are not fat-free, disease free or even that tasty, even when roasted with good seasoning and gravy. Don’t even try it to impress your mates. Now is not the time to have a WKD side.
# 5 – Guns are good.
Get guns, lots of guns. The only people who insist guns are bad, that they’re the reason behind this awful catastrophe, are those who don’t have any. When the apocalypse comes the first to lose out will be the peace-loving, tree hugging, vegan streaks of piss who possess no will to survive by any means possible. Why risk dying in pointless hand to hand combat when you can shoot them in the face and get on with your life? Be Prepared – learn to shoot, and know where to loot guns from.
# 6 – Dump the fatso!
If you’re a fatty you need to shift that flab before the Big End comes. No group can be expected to slow down and risk being chewed/infected/ravaged whilst they wait for your chunky ass to catch up. And if you’re the clan leader you should ensure that all fatties are excluded from the compound. The only exception to the this rule is the big fat guy who knows more about computers/communication or some other technical knowledge that’s hugely beneficial to the group, otherwise toss him over the wall pronto!
# 7 – Supplies, supplies, supplies.
Your money will be no use to anyone when the big end comes. Turn it into supplies of every kind before things go tits up. Stock up on obscure items like dry dog food, batteries, socks and get a large library of vegetable seeds. You can use some of these items to barter for things later on. You’ll be surprised what some people will hand over in exchange for a fresh pair of socks.
Pick your Team
When people are running around screaming and fighting over cheese and plastic rain coats, you need to make sure that your group consists of the good stuff. Think rationally about it, why create a group made of friends whose professions range from accountant to supermarket shelf stacker? Trim the fat.
Key roles will include electrician, doctor, gardening expert, butcher, carpenter, survival expert, martial arts teacher, cook. You get the picture? You can learn from each other. You won’t get very far in your compound when Nigel and Francis start arguing over how to stack the tinned goods; pyramid style or box fashion. That shit won’t save you when a horde of hungry vicious bastards come bashing your door in.
No time be Sexist.
Ensure your team has an equal ration of non-related men and women. After the apocalypse the subject of the next generation will need to be addressed, you need a new generation of people to keep safe your compound and ultimately the human race needs to be regrown. A sizeable array of DNA is a more attractive thought compared to the idea of having to boff a family member.
A plentiful stock of contraception is a good idea for practising and recreational happy-fun-time slap and wriggle. But you don’t want babies popping out at the most inconvenient time. Men and women need to be balanced in all areas of your new world order, or compound, depending on how your sane/insane point of view after the madness has calmed down.
Remember that while you are clearly the big macho leader there are frightened women who need your guidance and support in these trying times. Women are strong and smart but they’re soft and gentle on the inside and will need your protection when things get a little bit difficult. Bless em.