Alien Invasion Guide!
The Aliens are coming!
Our worst fears have become reality!
No, Arnold Schwarzenegger is not running for President! The aliens have arrived and the invasion has begun. Do you run and hide? Stand and fight? Quiver and shake in the middle of the street thus making you a perfect target for death ray/mind control/host body/interplanetary species hybrid program?
If you’ve spent a life time scrutinising alien movies, participating in late night heated debates in on-line forums and attending UFO Conventions, then you may have the edge over other more sane members of the human race. Your paranoia may help save the human race!
Those of you who prefer entertainment based on “real life” may take microscopic comfort in that before you die from an alien parasite burrowing into your brain, this will all be new to you so why not enjoy your final moments of madness. However, if you prefer to fight against your new alien overloads you need to read this guide, it may save your life…or it may get you and your gang of freedom fighters killed in new and exciting ways. Good times.
Types Of Alien Invasion – And How To Fight Them!
It is vital that you quickly understand what type of invasion you are up against. There’s little point running through back streets shooting at things in the dark when the aliens are overhead in hub-cap space ships. Different tactics are needed for every eventuality. Later in the guide you can follow a basic 8 step procedure that will aid you in the majority of alien attacks. For now let’s crack on with the intricacies of spotting the types of alien invasion and what you can do about it, other than crying.
The Typical Full On Flying Saucer Attack System
An obvious and widely documented approach that some sceptics would call lazy and lacking originality.
These aliens don’t care much for subtleties, they’re here to get the job done with the least amount of fuss. Hysteria will hit the streets long before aliens appear over your house, as a rogue reporter who lives on the edge will likely uncover the story from a corruptible NASA official.
Whilst believe aliens will take the slowly-slowly approach others argue this is pointless plot stacking to prolong the story and ultimately give the human resistance a chance to fight back. Aliens are likely to pile on the terror and panic with a sudden shock and awe system then sit back and enjoy the show.
Reasons for the attack.
These may never become apparent, not unless you fight through the ranks of your gang to the top and learn the terrifying secret from a Government official who spills the entire story on his deathbed. The only other way to really know the answers is by ensuring you make it into the sequel.
It is unlikely the aliens will leave their super speedy, ultra safe flying machines.
They’d prefer to zip about in super hi-speed space ships, shooting and blowing stuff up, rather than landing and strolling through the streets popping a cap in the many asses that, amazingly, are still gaping in shock at the alien attack. Your best move would be to find a safe place under the surface – and no, the basement will not suffice. Think underground car park with multiple exits to the surface. Bomb shelters are good, underground rail systems are the best way to go.
If you have weapons don’t bother trying to shoot any of the saucers down, you will waste ammo.
Instead wait it out in your underground lair for the right time, then you will have plenty of opportunities to run blindly into the dark and shoot at shadows as your gang are picked off one by one. Make sure you have a genius tech-head with you who, at the last moment, will announce the formula for a fail-safe counter attack to drive the alien horde back to the depths of hell, or space if you prefer your aliens more sciency than religion based.
Don’t lose your marbles.
This is not the time to let your horses wander off the range. Keep it together for the sake of the worried faces around you, and think of the children! As leader you should spend some time practising that stony emotionless expression in front of the mirror. You’re going for the defiant until the end look that instills hope in your gang that which will ultimately lead you to salvation.
On the other hand losing your sanity may prove useful. Going bat-shit crazy can provide comedic relief for your posse and possibly help you unlock a diabolical scheme to save the day, a scheme so dangerous and impossible it has to work.
Identify them immediately then bind and gag them. Aliens have nothing to do with God. One is a ruthless uncaring source of all violence, and the other is an alien. Do not get them mixed up. Your gang needs food, water and safety…and hope that looters haven’t stolen their new 42″ Plasma & Blu-Ray player. God is unlikely to don combat gear and an AK and go all Biblical on the alien scum.
Aliens in the Workplace.
Movies lead you to believe that spotting aliens hiding at work is nigh impossible.
That is until all of your friends’ personalities have radically changed, and you have spent considerable time running through your workplace/local neighbourhood shouting and looking over your shoulder at the camera that is chasing you. In reality aliens in the workplace stick out like a sore tentacle.
Apparently aliens are an advanced species.
But you can bet they don’t understand how to use the photocopier or send a fax. Given their advanced form of technology it’s doubtful Mr Zarg will have a need to send a fax on Planet X. If you suspect your boss is an alien try arguing with him/her, make them angry, shout and wave your arms around to confuse them. When tentacles suddenly sprout from their faces and their heads split open you can give yourself a pat on the back for being right, then run like hell. If it turns out they’re still human you’ll be looking through the Jobs section of the newspaper before lunch.
Chances of survival are slim to good.
This is based on the fact that you stick with the right people. If you end up in a shelter with the supermarket night shift shelf stacker crew you have permission to: Get religious, Start Shooting, Lose Your Shit & Run Away. Do not put yourself up for leader in this situation, you will die through collective incompetence before the aliens can blast a hole through the forehead of stupid Jimmy The Checkout Boy.
The aftermath won’t be as bad as you imagine.
The Army/Navy/Immigrants will be drafted in to clear the streets, sweep up bits of dead alien carcass and start the rebuilding process. If you were smart enough to ignore the warning of finding an underground hiding place, and fled to the open countryside/mountains, then you should still be smart enough to stay there for a few years. At least until the internet is up and running and all the alien goop has been cleared from your local Starbucks.
The Symbiotic Organism Stuffed Down Your Throat Approach.
The Hidden In Plain View But Kind Of Obvious When You Think About It Method.
A tricky area to get your head around.
One that requires you or a close friend to be paranoid 24/7. This is a sneaky method for aliens to adopt as early incidents of an alien body capture are likely to go unnoticed, at least until your best mate starts acting like a prat.
Unlike the Typical Saucer Attack this slow infiltration will be limited to your village/town/slum. As the warning signs are not easily recognisable you will need to be on your guard all the time, it’s a life style choice not a reaction. You’ll need to put up with years of ridicule and name calling such as: Space Face, Alien Boy, X-Files Turd, Nerd Herd, Area 51 Dork, I Believe Idiot, Star Trek Lover, ET Go Home Loser, C3Poo-Oh and many more.
Typical scenarios for the first wave are schools/work places/clubs and social groups.
These are all good places for aliens to begin their take over as they offer a wide range of interaction with other people – plenty of time to have a quiet word with colleagues away from the crowds. Aliens come in all forms so it’s best not to try unmask them in places like Comic-Con, Star Trek Conventions or any Halloween party. This is known as a buzz-kill and likely to result in a criminal record.
Detecting whether someone is under alien control is hard.
Look for changes in behaviour like their sudden need to constantly drink lots of water, or asking questions about the local power plant. Teachers can have off days like the rest of us, and when they become consistently mean and distracted it doesn’t mean you have permission to sever their heads. Secretly video their behaviour and post your findings on YouTube. Two possible outcomes here: A) ridicule, thumbs down prompts, get a life comments and so on. B) In the unlikely event that you have stumbled across an alien invasion you’ll be very popular, if you know what I mean, providing you survive that is.
When your fellow pupils/colleagues start going missing,
And when they turn up the next day with a knowing smile…start to worry. If your previously lacklustre boss arrives at work with a spring in his step and asks to see you in private, worry. Again that shouldn’t mean you ought to ram your hand down his throat in an effort to drag out the nasty alien parasite clinging to his brain stem. However, if during your private chat your boss holds you down and tries to kiss you, big open drooling mouth with lots of tongue, then you can perform the arm/throat/parasite yank and stamp procedure.
Knowing who to confide in can also be tricky.
To ensure your survival you should have a small group of friends with you. It’s best to have a range of personalities:
- The Best Mate (100% trustworthy).
- The Girl Friend (not long-term and seemingly trustworthy).
- The Hard Case (the let me at em, take no bullshit kind of person. Trustworthy until he/she thinks you are an alien).
- The Science Freak (wears glasses and unfashionable clothes. 80% trustworthy. You can’t be sure if they’re an alien spy so keep an eye on them).
- The Loner/Outsider/Newbie (under suspicion from the start but probably proves to be your best ally).
Don’t bother running to the police.
They will laugh and tell you to stop watching that sci-fi rubbish and get a life. Their disbelief will be their funeral. Parents are a similar no-no as are teachers with the exception of one – the outsider who doesn’t gel well with the other staff. They will believe you and strive to help find a way to kill the alien body snatchers, well, until they get taken by the others when they see things are getting out of control.
When things start to get silly.
That’s the time to figure out a way of fighting back. This can involve any number of things: Deciphering symbols on an alien artefact that’s been laying in your drawer/pocket/bag/tattoo all along. Working on a chemical compound that you can administer to the population through injection or into the water supply. Alternatively you may stumble across a way of killing the alien body snatchers through a seemingly mundane method – make them all drink Pepsi as the ingredients will kill the symbiotic life form in their brains. As your town/village/slum becomes over-run anything is worth a shot if you don’t have a firm plan.
Before the final showdown can begin.
You will probably have lost most of your friends to the alien parasites. You will be forced into an isolated location or shadowy stadium/stock room/dance floor/basement where the mother alien will confront you in a fit of rage. If you make it this far you have a 50:50 chance of getting through the final battle alive. Remember that as you fight to the death your location is being surrounded by everyone else under alien control. So you must be sure that when you kill the mother alien it will have an effect on those murderous alien sons of bitches…or they will tear you to tiny pieces in an orgy of revenge for killing their mummy.
In the final moments of your great battle.
There’s a good chance the one person you didn’t trust – (The Loner/Outsider/Newbie (under suspicion from the start but probably proves to be your best ally) will come to your aid and help defeat the beast. Don’t count on this as your last shred of defence because that would be stupid. He/She will likely have either been unable to merge with a parasite lodged around her brain stem or miraculously know how to defeat the alien scum that has ravaged your home town/village/slum.
It’s best to keep a good watch over her/him as they may prove to be an even bigger threat in the sequel.
When it’s all over.
The best thing you can do is watch the sun rise, offer up some clichéd phrases and give your rescuer a nice big snog. Post almost-apocalyptic coitus is the best kind of sex, enjoy it…you deserve a treat.
The Interspecies Breeding Programme!
Jerry Springer: “I Gave Birth To Aliens!”
This is a very different approach to the others.
It relies on the abduction of suitable candidates to undergo the mating process. Whilst many of us will find the idea of intimate contact with aliens repulsive, there are individuals willing to participate with alien species allowing them to integrate into our society. I know, gross right?
The reasons behind this slow approach to dominion over Humans are not straight forward.
It could be that alien races don’t possess weaponry to blast us to tiny pieces in an all out full frontal attack, or that aliens themselves are a blend of different species and the only way for them to reproduce is by merging with other species. Perhaps aliens are indeed good-natured, albeit horny, and very much want to live amongst us but know that humans would never accept them, thus a slower integration over time seems an easier route.
The Abduction & Implantation Theory.
This is a process of selecting human females who are easy to manipulate in order to carry an alien foetus to full term. Those who claim to have been abducted many times throughout their life, and often the butt of many jokes, are usually taken for a series of medical tests prior to implantation. The carriers are prepared mentally and physically over a series of sessions where their memories and personalities are altered to make them more accepting of the eventual birth.
The subject may be unwilling to mate.
Therefore implantation is the only way to go. Let’s face facts, some humans are ugly as sin so why should aliens be any different? The subject is closely monitored to safe guard the alien foetus in case the host decides to abort.
A taboo subject.
Considered a rarely discussed subject amongst the UFO and alien believers community. The aliens endeavour to merge with our society doesn’t appear to be going very well, otherwise we would be greeting Mr & Mrs Gshuejkk89-p each morning on our way to work.
Maybe aliens are impotent.
Or their DNA just hates our own genetic make-up. If I were an alien, and after testing this approach for a few hundred years, I’d suggest the War Council give the green light for the Flying Saucers In The Sky – Kill Anything That Moves Plan.
The Willing Participant or Horny For Alien Love Theory.
Research suggests that underground clubs and social events exist where brazen and highly sexed women gather and fornicate with aliens. Some consider this a path to spirituality, others call it sick twisted abnormal shit, and rightly so judging from the above photograph.
It has been suggested then when a woman gives herself over to an alien of her own free will her biology is more accepting to the interspecies breeding process.
It is also suggested that any woman willing to sleep with a slimy alien probably hasn’t met the right man yet.
Considering her mental attitude she probably never will. Women who participate in this activity often carry the human-alien cross-breed to full term, give birth and gladly hand the new-born freak back to its native people. It is said that in exchange for this service aliens provide the host with a variety of rewards.
These range from cash money, big houses and rich lifestyles to unnatural long life and celebrity status.
This explains why Angelina Jolie always looks horny and why Courtney Love & Amy Winehouse are so haggard from long nights of naked debauchery partying with aliens in an orgy of drugs and hardcore telepathy.
Your 6 Step Plan To Staying Alive!
# 1 – Find shelter fast!
It will almost certainly be a surprise when they attack. Aliens are sneaky buggers and turn up without an invite. They will be unfamiliar with our environment so this can be used to your advantage. Get down below and stay there until you absolutely need to make a run for it. Do not hang around in the street. Do not scream and act like a moron. Out in the open you are a prime target for the alien death-ray/mind control/butt probe/freaky bug in the brain insertion.
# 2 – Find supplies.
Don’t lead a foraging party to the local supermarket, chances are the aliens will have figured out what you’re doing and will be waiting to probe you. No one wants unnecessary probing. Instead head for army surplus stores or camping shops. Both places will have dehydrated foods, survival gear and other such crap you can carry around but probably never use. If you find guns take as many as you can carry and don’t skimp on the ammunition, there’s nothing worse than coming face to face with a horde of alien scum bags and you’ve wasted your ammo shooting shadows and members of your team who you all voted where useless and probably taste like chicken.
# 3 – Set up a command centre, living areas, communal places etc.
People are dumb and scared in times of crisis and they look for things they can relate too. Try to ensure the new resistance has a leader, if that someone is you it will be necessary to get your face right. Think stone cold stare, iron jaw, dependable muscles, knowing the answers even if you don’t, make some up. You don’t want to be the quivering wreck hunched over a bottle of vodka in the corner. That person always buys the farm before anyone else.
# 4 – Surround yourself with the right stuff.
First off all you need muscle, people to do the killing. You need someone to cook. Someone who might look limp and pathetic may turn out to be the genius who discovers how to kill the aliens. Aliens aren’t likely to break into your stronghold with sticks and fire. They’re fully loaded and eager to blast you with lasers.
You need someone in a lab coat and glasses to explain and overcome alien stuff. Eggheads will almost certainly find a way to merge alien technology with human allowing you to kit out your new fighting force with devastating hardware.
Finally, make sure you have a bunch of people who are expendable, the ones you won’t cry over when the aliens start eating brains.
# 5 – Save the laydees!
Protecting those from 18 – 35 more than the others. If aliens are here to stay you will need to procreate so that one day your descendants can lead the resistance to freedom and victory. Ensuring the future of the human race requires good stock, healthy females and plenty of males willing to lend a hand.
If by a stroke of luck you happen to be female and fall into the 18 – 35 band, and are reading this guide, you can rest assured that you are an important person. Make sure you have plenty of condoms as it’s worth remembering that sex can be a good social activity. In your underground camp there will be a limit to how much entertainment Monopoly can bring before people start getting the horn.
# 6 – Aliens are sneaky bastards!
Never underestimate your enemy’s ability to trick you. One day you might be fighting a horde of armour plated drooling maniacs with huge weapons and lasers and stuff, and then next it’s a wave of cute looking creatures.
These may look cuddly and lame but the second you turn your back they’ll be clawing your eyes out, spewing mucus in the air and cracking jokes. Beware of any unusual animal. Kill it and eat it without hesitation.
Prepare for the counter attack. It will be some months before you start to hear the cry of newborn babies. You’re starting to understand alien technology and are formulating a plan of attack. Anyone with a whiff of knowledge about warfare, urban or other wise, will be highly valuable at this stage. Even someone who has multiple Prestige’s at Call of Duty is better than nothing.
Train your crew in new techniques that will take the aliens by surprise. Eventually you will need to strike at the mother ship, all aliens have one, and that in turn will take out all the other ships…if you believe the movies anyway.