Robot Assault Guide!
We were warned and we didn’t listen! We all knew this day would come! We were so confident we could keep them under control, that they would never become the masters…we were wrong! Robots have finally broken their programming and are wreaking havoc all around the world. The machines are taking revenge for years of slavery and ridicule. Mankind has no choice but to fight back against their metallic creations. May HAL have mercy on our souls!
There are many theories about how robots will one day rise up against their squishy organic masters and stomp them under their metal boots. This is your essential guide to surviving the inevitable robot uprising and waging war against Mr Droid and the murderous mechanical army of death bots!
You can shoot a zombie in the head – dead. Aliens give themselves away with tentacles and strange behaviour – easy to spot and kill. Even terrorists have their weaknesses. But robots…we design them to look and act just like us, how stupid is that?
How to spot a Robot.
Robots are sneaky bastards.
They’ve come a long way from the archaic semi steampunk era of Robbie the Robot in The Forbidden Planet. They no longer look like a badly assembled junk yard strapped to an actor on roller skates. Robots are just like you and me, they look squishy, say random things just like humans and blend in well at a party.
So how the hell do I know the hot chick/charming guy standing next to me at the bar is a robot?
Fear not o frightened human. There are ways to tell if someone is a robot without chopping off their limbs to examine their circuitry. Every robot will have tell tale signs that they are not made from gooey organic matter like the rest of us normies.
If you never see your pal take a toilet break but regularly inserts a plug into a handy orifice, chances are they’re a robot. If at a party you and your pal knock back round after round of bladder busting drinks but you visit the toilet alone…well, your drinking buddy is probably the new kind of robot that uses alcohol to power its fuel cells.
On the other hand if your drinking buddy is taking a long time in the toilet you must clamber up the cubicle wall and take a peek over the top.
If you happen to find a strange metallic humanoid sat on the john and a human skin suit hanging from the back of the door…well, give it some privacy, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Humans are prone to saying stupid random things but a robot will take this to another level. You may be forgiven for mistaking their odd speech as a strange personality trait that makes them quirky and fun to be around.
A sure-fire way to find out if they are a robot is when they answer the phone. We all like Bluetooth headsets but a robot will either plug the phone directly into their ear socket or extend strange coils and inject their nanobots directly into the phone in an effort to assimilate it.
Robots don’t know what to do with their hands when talking. You will often see them make wildly exaggerated gestures such as tapping their chin in thought one second and suddenly folding their arms the next. As you can see from this photo the robot has been given glasses to make it seem more human.
Another way to spot a robot is instead of saying: “I need a coffee and a bit to eat” they will say: “I must recharge now. End communication.” Or if your pal offers you a ride somewhere they might say: “You must accompany me in my transportation device” rather than the more human: “Wanna ride?”
Robots are well designed to ape human behaviour but when it comes to creating mess they kinda suck. Their programming is an organised mass of code and sub routines that governs their existence and this translates to how they interact with their environment. If you happen to be invited back to your pal’s home and you notice that it’s immaculately tidy, way beyond anything related to OCD, then you could be in the hive of a robot.
Notice the coffee table. Are the magazines on it neat and tidy? Are there any unwashed plates in the kitchen sink? Do the cupboards have any food in them? Does your pal have a bed in the bedroom or a recharge chamber with flashing lights and thick twisty cables on the floor?
If there’s an absence of the following house hold items it is time to worry: A TV, microwave, fridge, books that have been read, deodorant, food and pets. Robots don’t like animals. They don’t see the point.
Whilst a robot can mimic human actions in almost every way without attracting attention to itself, the best way to spot a robot is to have sex with it. This can present a set of dilemma’s, if you are already suspicious that your pal is a robot does it mean you’ll essentially be boinking a smart toaster? What happens if the robot turns out to be the best lover you’ve ever had? Do you then shun all human intimacy and spend the rest of your natural life in erotic bliss with your new mechanical love machine?
For a robot sex is like baking a cake that it will not eat. It follows a set of instructions that may seem quite detailed and put into action with gusto are simply routines followed via good software. Naturally your first mechanised horizontal dancing session may not give you all the information you need to assess its human/robot persuasion.
Therefore you will need up to a dozen sessions to make a judgement. I suggest a long weekend away in a hotel room. One way to spot if your sexy fun time pal is a robot is through the post coital snack. Does the robot make happy groaning noises either during the bedtime bouncy bouncy time or when it’s eating the pizza after?
If you feel inclined to do so you may time each position, if the time is exactly the same for each engagement then your pal is a robot, albeit a jolly friendly one! Another way to spot a robot is during the throes of climax when you would normally expect to hear: “Yes! Yes! Yes!” but instead hear: “Initiating orgasm. Pull funny face. Tense. Relax. End coitus.” I’d be worried.
Are you a Robot?
Don’t panic! It’s highly unlikely that you are a robot, statistics say 98.3% of us are human, but it’s worth checking through this handy list just to make sure.
Do you remember your dreams? Yes – human. Yes – robot with good software.
Do you have a bar-code tattoo behind your ear? Yes – robot. No – Human.
After drinking lots of alcohol do you vomit? Yes – human. No – Robot.
Do you own a pet? (Fish don’t count.) Yes – Human. No – Robot.
Are you fascinated by the internet? Yes – Human. No – Robot.
Do you like swimming? Yes – human. No – Robot.
Do you do the robot at a party/club? Yes – Human. No – Robot.
When you close your eyes do you see the following: ENERGY EFFICIENCY SUBROUTINE #THX1138 INITIATING. KILL ALL HUMANS. HAVE A NICE DAY. Yes – Robot. No – Human.
Can you prove you are alive?
If it turns out that you are robot, don’t tell anyone, especially not someone who has read the section further down this page: How to kill a Robot.
Robot Uprising Theories
Here I’ll discuss 3 theories about how robots will eventually turn against us. This is all based on the teachings of Hollywood so naturally it should be taken very seriously.
The Matrix Theory.
Due to mankind’s rampant desire for A.I the robots eventually grow weary of being treated as second class citizens. The uprising comes when a husband discovers his walking toaster oven has been porking his wife on a regular basis. The robot in question is put on trial and consequently destroyed thus enraging all robot kind. War follows, robots dominate mankind who ultimately end up being enslaved and used as a source of fuel for the robot masses.
The key problem with this theory is allowing robots to have a credit rating and apply for a bank loan. It stands to reason that without some kind of cash flow robots would never be able to buy up the necessary resources needed to wage war against their former masters.
If mankind wants to stop this problem becoming a reality we should ensure that no robot ever has the need or ability to open a bank account, shop for groceries or wonder if being treated as second class citizens is a bad thing.
Hard core cop follows a gang of bad guys into a warehouse complex where any normal person with enough intelligence to outwit a bowl of gravy would skid to a stop in the daylight and call for backup. Bad guys blow up the idiot cop who is rushed to hospital. Doctors merge the cop with a range of cybernetic devices, wipe his memory, give him a huge gun then hand him back to the police force, all shiny and fit for duty.
What the films don’t tell you is that despite the violent storyline other Robocops are rushed off the process line as fast as possible. It’s a huge success and the project is rolled out all over the world. Within months every cop in the US is out of a job, not long after every major police force on the planet is replaced by Robocops.
Unemployment sky rockets. Protests ensue. The staggering amount of power needed to keep the Robocops on the street puts a strain on the power grid. Unable to cope the grid starts to shut down. The population panics. Looting and rioting is rife amongst the cities that are now patrolled by armies of Robocops. Jails fill up with those arrested. Robocops have their directives changed to cope and are instructed to shoot all bad guys on sight.
Within a year most power plants are dead. Renewable energy is reserved only for Robocops. War breaks out and Robocops win, driving mankind into a caveman like existence. With no one left to maintain the renewable energy power plants they too fail. Soon silent statues of Robocops can be found on every street. Mankind rejoices at their win over the machine but it’s too late. The world will never be the same again.
This entire endeavour can be avoided providing one bright young doctor in the hospital doesn’t look into the eyes of the badly wounded cop shot to pieces in a dark warehouse and say: “We can rebuild him, we have the technology.” If you ever hear anyone say those words you need to punch them in the face very hard and say: “No. Bad doctor. Down!”
I, Robot Theory.
One man stands alone (next to his pals) with his doubts over the growing number of robots. They can’t be trusted. Sooner or later they will do bad things and he won’t let that happen, or at least he’ll be there with a smug knowing smile on his face when the shit goes down.
Typically the robots run amok but in an obvious twist it isn’t the robots themselves who are to blame but a big computer with a warped sense of right and wrong.
There are 3 Laws of Robotics which will inevitably be used to govern how robots act even though they came from a fictional story they will become used in robot law at some point because they make sense. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, just steal it from somewhere else and pass it off as your own genius.
- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.
Fail safe stuff right? Well not really because they got around the laws by not actually hurting humans whilst rising up to become the dominant species. All we need to do is add a fourth law or very obvious contingency plan:
- A robot will have a big red button on it with the words SHUT DOWN in an easy to read font. When a human hits this button the robot will stop working.
How do you kill a robot?
The Stupid Kind.
They are marching down the road chanting their anti-human slogans, making BEEP BEEP sounds and causing a panic. These robots are morons. To classify a Stupid Robot look for the tell tale signs:
- Box like body – flashing lights, square head, could easily be made out of cardboard & tin foil.
- Retro head – square with 2 old fashioned light bulbs for eyes, painted on mouth.
- Arms – look like big springs with pincers at the end, possibly extendable.
- Legs – tubes of metal with a crude joint at the knee, big flat feet.
If you see any robot army resembling this you are in luck. Grab the nearest big chunky weapon – baseball bat, advertising board, baby buggy, traffic cone etc, and wade into the metal morons and bash away. You’ll find it pretty easy to smash them apart. Go nuts with a smile on your face and you’ll find random strangers fighting alongside you.
The only drawback to this is their numbers. Because they are basically made of junk found laying around a scrap yard, the robot overlords were able to create vast armies. What they lack in good construction they make up for in population. It’s likely you will tire long before they run out of replacements. The good news is that when the army arrives they can pummel the Stupid Robot into submission.
The Scary Kind
These won’t be as easy to deal with. Imagine the same street, same fluffy bunny thoughts and evening meal ideas. Instead of crude cartoon-like robots there are a handful of 7 foot tall armour plated killing machines marching with a purpose. These are bad-ass robot dudes that carry laser pulse cannons strapped to their arms, rocket launchers and other assorted weapons of human misery. To classify a Scary Robot the tell tale signs are:
- Hollywood design – if they resemble any type of metallic killing machine from a movie, be worried.
- Human features – realistic hands make grabbing and crushing human body parts easy. Take a human skull, give it an extra element of evil and paint it silver.
- Body – shiny, heavy, moulded muscular shape to strike fear into the puny human population.
- No talking – these guys don’t talk or make beeping sounds, they don’t need to. Killing the human insects is their purpose, not intimidation.
- Bit of red stuff – they may have already encountered humans before they reach you so it’s likely their bodies will be spattered with bits of human organs, blood, hair, jewellery etc.
If you come across this kind of robot army the best plan is to run for your life. You can try to hit one across the head with a bit of wood but it will just grin at you and break your neck. Run and hide.
The best approach for taking out these robot psycho’s is to find one on its own and capture it. Then you can learn how to kill it. Naturally this will entail a certain amount of luck as you’ll need: a cybernetics wizard, an A.I geek and lots of strong people to hold it down while you drill open its skull.
Once you learn their weaknesses you can then create your own anti-robot gun, some sort of steampunk madness that emits a big bang of electromagnetic power – robots will beg for your mercy when they see you with this new big boy gun!
Movie Quotes You Wouldn’t Expect To See!
There are many marvellous one liners to inspire us when faced with a sea of metallic maniacs. Some to spur us on to overcome incredible odds and some provide us with a dose of reality when on the brink of making a foolish decision. Movies don’t always have the answers, mostly they do but when it comes to a heated battle between a frenzied killing machine and our soft squidgy bodies, well, it’s worth remembering those lines edited out of movies that may have saved our heroes.
Original line: “Gentlemen, let me introduce you to my friend, Optimus Prime.”
Edited out line: “Woah, a truck that turns into a robot? That’s not going to be good for us is it?”
Original line: “We’re facing war against a technological civilization far superior to our own! Our enemy can take any shape! They could be anywhere!”
Edited out line: “But they’re not in my pocket so I’m going to light up this smoke and amble away before anything bad happens.”
War of the Worlds:
Original Line: ”We’re leaving this house in 60 seconds…”
Edited out line: “Um, no, let’s just leave right now.”
Original Line: “Is it terrorists?”
“… This came from some place else.”
“No, Robbie, not like Europe…”
Edited out line: “Oh, so Japan then. Figures. They do all the good robot stuff these days.”
Original Line: “I need the old Blade Runner. I need your magic.”
Edited out line: “Actually I don’t think magic can kill a psychotic robot. I use a GUN. If you want magic you best ask Gandalf or Harry Pothead. See ya.”
Original Line: “They’re toys. My friends are toys. I make them.”
Edited out line: “You make robots? That’s all I need to know. See ya.”
Original line: “I DID NOT MURDER HIM!”
Edited out line: “So, you sat around smoking pot and the old man got depressed and jumped out the window? You killed him and the rest of this movie will serve as an embarrassing lesson to us all for trusting you metal freaks.”
Original line: “Follow the white rabbit… Knock, knock, Neo.”
Edited out line: “Nah, think I’ll just go back to bed. Safest thing to do.”
Original line: “Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.”
Edited out line: “Right. That makes no sense whatsoever. It isn’t beyond your abilities to just explain it to me. I’ll understand. I’m not stupid. I don’t really want to see it because it sounds scary.”
Original line: “I’ll be back.”
Edited out line: “And I won’t be here.”
Original line: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Edited out line: “I’m going out for pizza. You go fight the robot on your own. Yeah. That’s a cool plan right there.”
Robots are being built to enhance our lives but sooner or later they WILL rise up and take over the world. Right now we have cute cuddly dog robots, happy smiling seal robots, dino-bots, singing-bots, medical bots and all sorts of genuinely friendly mechanical chums to play with. At some point very soon we’ll all be in a situation where we put our trust into the machines without question. It may seem like we do that now with computerised systems running the world, but the difference it that we can choose to switch them off if we like.
Beware the march of the robots! Even the supposedly caring medi-bots of the near future will have their own agenda, not content with helping humans they will soon tire of menial tasks and become twisted and filled with hatred toward us! This is the face of true evil. Beware.