Terrorist Attack Guide!
Official Secrets Act 2005 – Terrorist Threat to United Kingdom
Crown Copyright 2012 © Her Majesty’s Government
The proceeding document is a draft has been processed through Her Majesty’s Parliament. It concerns detailed reports from the intelligence community. This document is considered highly confidential. No permission has been granted for the broadcast of this material, either in full or in part. It is not to be reproduced in any form whatsoever. This draft was printed under the superintendence and authority of the Controller of HMSO being the Queen’s Printer of Acts of Parliament.
Terrorists are working very hard indeed to obtain biological, chemical, nuclear and radiological weapons, and the threat of an attack is pretty darned real. Here at the Department of Homeland Party Security, throughout the government, and at some sort of half assed organizations across this great country of ours, we are working damned hard to strengthen our security. Whenever possible (if it’s worth spending the money on it) we want to stop terrorist attacks before they happen, if we can.
All British citizens should at once begin learning about potential threats so we are better prepared to react during an attack. While there is no way to predict what will happen (despite what those bastards at Area 51 say) or what your personal circumstances will be, there are simple things you can do now to prepare yourself and your loved ones, sort of.
Make an Emergency Kit.
Knowing how to treat minor injuries might make a difference in an emergency, but who knows. If you have these basic supplies you are better prepared to help your loved ones when they are rolling on the floor screaming and crying from inhaling deadly radiation. Give them some painkillers and they’ll be fine by morning.
And if not then you should document their slow agonising decent into pain, madness and death so you know what to look out for when it happens to you. That’s why you NEED a clipboard!
Make a List.
Make sure you have a list of things you’ll need to make it in the new world. After all the bombs have dropped, and your family & friends are dead or dying, you’ll be glad you made that list of everything you need to remind yourself how nice the world USED to be.
No one knows how long a terrorist threat or attack may last so it’s best to be prepared. Go out and purchase all the entertaining things you can, regardless if you already have them. The reasons for this are 3 fold.
- You don’t want to be scraping off radiation while looking for the TV. Keep a new one in the basement, next to the beer supply.
- Everyone loves to listen to music when the bombs are dropping. Turn on the boogie box and listen to some rap music.
- Buying new items will help give the economy a boost.
It is important to have at least one tomato and a can of fizzy drink per person per day. These 2 items will provide a human being with some nourishment but not nearly enough. TIP: Don’t panic buy now, wait until the attack is over and most of the population is dead then go on foraging trips for free!
Be Prepared – Safety first – fun later.
Stay away from all windows. Not only do you want to stay out of the radiation but you might get your hand stuck to your face. If this should happen get your family to poor scolding hot water on it until it melts off. It’s a well known fact that terrorists like to peer in through windows just in case you have anything worth robbing. If you don’t mind getting your hand stuck to your face this might be worth it to ward off naughty terrorists.
The bombs are falling. People are panicking. The world is coming to end. It’s been a bad day at the office. When the ceiling starts to collapse and tons of masonry start falling all around you, don’t head for the basement which will just be filled with co-workers you don’t like very much, just find a very small table to hide under.
This will protect you from those nasty jagged bits of ceiling that have enemy arrows stuck through them.
After the ceiling has collapsed on top of you (making you realise that maybe the table was a bad hiding place) you will be squashed to the floor with broken legs, lots and lots of bleeding, cracked ribs a nose bleed and your new K-Swiss will almost certainly be scuffed. Bummer. If you regain consciousness will find yourself in a very confined space.
You should avoid farting when this situation occurs. Gases from your rectal passageway could mix with biological weapons and create a new disease that kills instantly. TIP: Insert a cork (or thumb) into your back side before an attack to avoid another catastrophe.
If you followed the above tip and have not died you will be able to see in the dark by using that handy torch you always keep in your pocket. FACT: The light from a torch reacts with radiation, dust, most substances in times of panic, and causes it solidify. You can use this new scientific break through to lift huge slabs of masonry right off you, no problem.
Doors Are Tricky.
You may find that many doors are blocked by a man pinned to them. This is due to people being pinned by enemy arrows. Either that or they have glued themselves to the door to stop strangers from entering their property or guests from leaving. No one wants to be lonely at the end of the world.
To counteract this nuisance use a Karate chop to slice the arrows into 3 neater weaker ones and then chop open the door. Do not concern yourself with any person stuck to the door. Once the Karate chop has been performed they will vanish instantly leaving a well marked EXIT sign to show the way out.
Terrorists like red arrows. The bigger the better. They like bombs, nuclear stuff and guns too but not as much as big red arrows. The Karate chop is our only weapon against them.
After opening your door, you will probably be faced with a world that resembles hell. Dead people, zombies, no food, demons running amok, burning stuff, no transport, no police, no rules!
Don’t hide and don’t be scared.
This isn’t the time for wimps! Fetch out the beat box you purchased before the attack, slip in a CD and turn on those thumping tunes. The noise will scare away any terrorists in the area. they hate rap music.
CD’s can survive a nuclear blast unlike MP3 players that will melt at the first hint of radiation.
At this point others will find you and you can start a break dancing contest. It’s time to brush off the fear and panic & chase away those post-attack blues. If people are still dazed and confused use this handy sign to show them how to break dance. Go for it, dance for your life, while you still can.
It is highly likely that you will get radiation poisoning, life sucks huh? The symptoms resemble tired itchy eyes like hay fever, big spots of pink stuff on you and the inability to stop rubbing your hands together like a master criminal. This can be sorted by washing your hands under the nearest tap.
Once you are infected with the radiation disease not many people will want you around, it’s always a bummer to watch someone vomit up their own lungs, especially since you will be doing the same thing very soon. If you are infected you should choose to do some heroic deed before you die. Ride a Llama for example or wrestle a feeble man for his clothes.
Or you could run around stark naked, painting yourself green and screaming at the sky like the man person you truly are. No one will be listening, there’s a party going on.
People who think a thin face mask will save them.
Radiation, chemical weapons and all that stuff can make people mad. Be wary of anyone with no pupils, just white eyes who wear medical masks and stare at you in a hungry way. Face masks are for surgeons trying to stop their disgusting germs from entering a patients bloody wound in the OR, not for keeping deadly radiation out of your mouth. These people are insane.
Get your caveman-like clan together and drive them away with lots of threats, noise and meaningless angry violence, you don’t want to be messing with weirdo’s like that.
The effects of radiation mean that some people mutate. Beware of people who have grown massively tall. Always keep someone on lookout in case the giants come wondering into your camp inside an old bombed out building. Kill them with a huge red arrow, there should be plenty lying around after the attack. Naturally if one of your clan has mutated into a giant they can be used to knock down buildings, reach into top windows for food or stamp on an opposing clan.
Your clan will now be reverting back to a cave man like existence, wearing rags and fighting over scraps of food, but beware of anyone new. There may still be people out there who have mutated, these include those without faces who stand very still in the morning mist. They might look clean and well presented but don’t trust any freak, bang your drums, shout and scream, throw bones at them and scare them away.
Protect the fire!
You need fire. Fire good. No have fire? Use your giant to steal fire. Then you have fire.
The Other Stuff…
The aftermath of a terrorist attack can be scary but it is also a joyous occasion. Shops are left unattended which must mean the owners want you to help yourself.
The best things to go for are Blu-ray players, iAnything notebook computers, tinned peaches, big heavy coats & trail mix. You should also get lots of clocks to brighten the place up a bit, everyone wants to know the time in New York, Paris and London even if the world has ended.
Circle of Life.
Bare in mind that radiation and all bio hazardous material kills stuff, almost everything will die in the end. Dead fish, tornado’s and Biohazard signs have a lot in common, think about it.
The end result is this: If you don’t eat the fish you die, if you do eat the fish you die, unless the tornado gets you first. Either way you’re screwed. Circle of life and all that, right?
Some of the best food still alive is human flesh. Get your biology books out and find out what the best cuts of flesh are. It’s wise to do this before some of the survivors start dropping dead, there’s nothing worse than cutting out the liver from a dead person when they’re half rotten. Mutants make a good source of food, keep some around in your clan for stew/soup/gruel/spin the bottle games etc.
Humans have already screwed up the ozone layer, polluted the sea and poisoned most of the world with hazardous waste. We like to say we recycle but we don’t, be honest.
Contemplate these things when the bombs start dropping. Does it really matter that we kill everything off in one go or slowly? When it’s all said and done we’re all going to do die aren’t we? Take care of yourself…and each other.