Zombie Horde Guide
It’s finally happened. After watching zombie movies for years the fantasy has become a reality. The world has turned to a nightmarish hell hole where the dead feed off the living and Shrek 6 will never be made…actually that part isn’t so bad. By following the basic Apocalypse Survival Guide you’re in good shape to survive the onslaught of flesh eating dead heads.
Understand the 2 distinct Zombie types.
The Sprinter Zombie.
Not necessarily undead.
Most likely to be infected with some new plague or man-made virus that renders the victim pretty zombie-like but they continue to process oxygen. This in turn gives the Sprinter Zombie excellent reaction times and the ability to sprint over long distances without fatigue. Apart from the difference in physical power these chaps are just as dump as your standard zombie; low reasoning ability, unable to muster any sound beyond a moan or scream and don’t feel pain.
Kill or Evade?
Faced with a couple and with suitable weapons you stand a good chance of survival, more so if you can surprise and dispose of them before they start screaming and alerting others nearby. If you’re spotted and chased by more than a handful then your only chance is to run, but not in a straight line because that’s just suicidal stupidity. Run around things, make the Sprinter Zombie work mentally. They will always have the upper hand physically but if you dash around a few buildings, streets, dips in the landscape, and manage to hide without making any sound, the pursuing Sprinter Zombie will not understand where you have gone.
Mainly found in populated areas due to their proximity to the nearest source of meat – you. However they will migrate away but not in the true sense of the word. Sprinter Zombies will follow the scream of a fellow zombie for many miles, leading them out of the cities and towns. The Sprinter Zombie in the country poses a real threat as they’re harder to evade and hide from. Your best chance is to use the landscape to hide in, that means using transport which in turn means drawing attention to yourself. Speed versus Intelligence – be smart or be fast.
The Slumbering Zombie.
Same IQ as cheese but they never quit.
The classic zombie has no concept of…well pretty much anything other than food – you. The Slumbering Zombie has the same limited physical abilities as the Sprinter with the exception of muscle power; when these guys grab onto something they don’t let go unless their arms are hacked off. When they spot food they emit a low moan, it has been argued this is a response similar to a dog whining for food just out of reach.
Kill or Evade?
The choice is yours so long as you remain at arm’s length. Slumbering Zombies are easily avoided by keeping a brisk pace, and consequently they are easy to kill close up with any range of weapons, axes, chainsaw, toasters, swords etc. The best time to make a run for it is before you become surrounded. Always have an escape route – regardless of any temporary situation.
If your compound has access to long range weapons then it is wise to appoint a spotter and shooter to take out any approaching zombie. They might be slow but they will just keep coming. This can result in a sloping wall effect of dead zombies right outside your compound – providing easy access as zombies just stroll up the slope of their dead brethren and into the meat locker.
As with the Sprinter they will initially be found in high populated areas, or any area with infection. The main difference is that whilst you can hear and spot a Sprinter Zombie from a distance the Slumbering Zombie can be shuffling almost silently around the corner of the deserted farm house or tractor or bale of hay. They don’t make much noise and people are frequently et and die through their own false sense of hey-it’s-the-country-what’s-the-worst-that-can-happen? But this ain’t no Doc Pepper advert. Remain vigilant – don’t get et.
Silent and deadly. These evil shits crawl along the ground through the crowds or from behind rubbish. Since you’re preoccupied with chopping off heads your attention is seldom on what’s hanging about on the floor. It hasn’t been established why the Crawler Zombie makes less sound than a stand up zombie (and that includes the Improv Zombie) but theories suggest that it is due to a warped sense of revenge. Zombies are mindless slugs of flesh, however even the most moronic zombie will seek revenge if you destroy its legs thus forcing it to crawl around in the muck. Ground to Sky – keep an eye.
A most deadly zombie. The Faker will be found in a prone seemingly dead position, sat slumped behind the wheel of a car for example or behind a counter in a looted shop. They will be motionless and as such you will not consider sticking a bullet in its brain or cleaving open the skull. The Faker will lurch to life when disturbed or when your back is turned – game over. It is assumed the Faker hasn’t necessarily learned this tactic but simply “falls asleep” and is only reacting to sudden noise or disturbance. Naivety can get you killed – heads off and there won’t be any surprises.
Do Zombies Communicate?
Weeeeell, kinda, but not really, hmm, maybe. No one really knows. Of all the known zombie outbreaks the average survivor hasn’t stuck around long enough to learn if there is a zombie language and how they might use it to their advantage. Zombies don’t use vowels very often, and most of their speech is made at the back of the throat, like a pig-goat clearing its throat after a bad cold.
That isn’t to say that studies aren’t under way in a secret lab – government or crazy scientist in a bunker. Some headway has been made, so in case you find yourself deep in dead land here are some helpful zombie phrases that might get you through, or at least let you have some fun before they chew on your face.
Gym Trash Talking Zombie.
Human: “Are you using that machine?”
Zombie translation: “AaaaYYjjK mMMrrrghhh Hgrr?”
Human: “You suck you wimp!”
Zombie translation: “GrghHshsa HugnUnk!”
Human: “Hey buddy, you left you arm on the rowing machine.”
Zombie translation: “BrrnnnggHHnn ddrrP CcrKgrnuuuUUng SschHlpp.”
Human: “Can you stop trying to chew on my leg?”
Zombie translation: “CsnanNNgrrr dshH Rrrowff Hnanags?”
Business Meeting Buzzword Speaking Zombie.
Human: “The quarterly sales projections look promising.”
Zombie translation: “Qghh HheJJu.”
Human: “Hey Poindexter! Stop texting your rent-a-date!”
Zombie translation: “PrrdnaxXGrgah! TtsghHue achT!”
Human: “Watch out! The boss is coming. Look busy.”
Zombie translation: “Ggsh brkKs! CBbpmnnHruu. Bhgrr.”
Human: “Who left their finger on the photocopier again?”
Zombie translation: “RagGGhsss hurr copcop BBrsnassH?”
Human: “Haha! Your laptop is a dead as your brain!”
Zombie translation: “ShhhhUuUUugh brrrainssssss!”
Socialising Chatty Too Cool For School Zombie.
Human: “Can I get a beer without fingers in it?”
Zombie translation: “BrrGeeer rHgHHyeh shesPpl?”
Human: “No thanks, I’m not into necrophilia.”
Zombie translation: “NurrrrgGASs ta PhiPlaias.”
Human: “Who’s the red head with the big hooters and no legs?”
Zombie translation: “Huurgh gGhrast begHr NnnnNsh eg?”
Human: “Your worm necklace matches your half eaten brain.”
Zombie translation: “Gak rhuHUu sShmaargak ruwOf bbrrrain?”
Human: “Get off me you rotting shit bag. I’m a respectable girl. You make me wanna puke all over you. Oh. Someone already has.”
Zombie translation: “SHelshbaRg rurgton IshHe PengtaBBhle GggggurrL. IkK. UnsmeOn boesTak.”
Zombie Combat – Surviving the Horde.
The Shopping Mall.
- Easy to defend from Slumbering Zombies providing all access is locked and extra barricades are in place.
- Malls have shops. Lots of resources for your gang to use. Plenty of room should lower the feeling of claustrophobia that can surface in even the most unlikely people after a long period trapped in one place.
- Line of sight. Plenty of rooftop positions for lookouts, snipers, CCTV positions etc.
- Escape routes. Malls are designed with easy access in mind. Should zombies break inside you will have plenty of alternative exits already planned and practised
- Population control. Shopping malls are capable of holding a large amount of visitors, however should this become too many your mini-society will start to fight over ever diminishing supplies. arguments, fights and civil-mall-war are a worry and can distract from the real problem – zombies.
- Maintain order. You need rules and government even in a mall. Your population need a law enforcement team made of trustworthy people. The compound needs to know the rules are their for safety and any uprising will be met with punishment – throw troublemakers/law breakers over the wall to the zombies.
- One zombie too many. All you need is one zombie moaning to attract others. Whilst your mall may appear to be the perfect stronghold you will need to keep an eye on the ever growing zombie crowd. Too many and their sheer weight/number will push past your defences.
- Surrounded. If you are surrounded it can be difficult or impossible to leave on foraging trips or to allow newcomers an easy way inside. This can also reduce the ease of any escape plan if you have to fight your way out
On The Run
All aboard the zombie bus!
This method of surviving can be appealing after your compound has been overrun by flesh eaters. You can up and leave at a moments notice and carry your supplies with you. Cars and vans are ok but they’re not very secure. Think Winnebago or large camper truck, school bus or coach are ideal and can be easily fortified and defended. The only problem is the capacity for people and finding an ever dwindling supply of fuel.
You don’t necessarily need a vehicle.
Consider horses for cross-country or a sturdy mountain bike. If you’re fit and able you can walk, no harm in that as mankind had no choice but to walk everywhere for rather a long time. The drawback for this is the amount of supplies you can carry with you, although that can be extended if you have a large group.
The main appeal of staying mobile is the chance to seek out other groups of survivors, swap stories, exchange supplies, get laid, group up and general help each other out or fight and kill each other. Either way it’s something new to do in a world that now has no club/society infrastructure in place to aid the bored and lonely.
- Maintain spotters / snipers at all 4 compass points. Work in shifts, everyone takes a turn. Where possible zombies should be picked off as soon as spotted but only when a kill shot can be taken and not wasting ammunition.
- Screen new arrivals vigorously. You don’t want infected in your compound. Have a safe rooms where they can be quarantined and given medical checks.
- Run training exercises. Make sure everyone knows how to take out a zombie at close range. Run scenarios and how to work in a group.
- Practice evacuation procedures regularly. Quiz everyone so they know what to do in emergencies. Have multiple contingency plans and practice those also.
- Regroup points. You all need to know where to regroup should you need to evacuate. Always have a 2nd base to head for when (not if) your compound is royally screwed.
- Say no to solo. Never travel alone, even inside the compound. A team should consist of exactly 3 people – if one is injured the other 2 can carry them. If 2 are injured they can provide spotting, sniping, communication skills for the 3rd. If 3 becomes 2 (the Buddy System) then you never split up.
- No need to be silent. But watch your volume levels. No loud music, shouting etc.
- Skill up. Find out who knows stuff and get them to train others. Never have a group where each person only has 1 skill.
- Speed versus Intelligence. Be smart or be fast, or dead if you’re neither.
- Remain vigilant. Don’t get et.
- Ground to Sky. Keep an eye.
- Don’t just hack head from body. Take pride in your work, destroy the brain.
- Naivety can get you killed. Heads off and there won’t be any surprises.